bad day

Felt discouraged and sad today, for no immediate reason. Maybe it's the weather, which has suddenly taken a turn to the cold and damp. Also feel unmotivated to work. I think I'll cheer myself up by listening to my new disco record...

torments of Tantalus

Every time I see her, it warms my heart. I haven't felt what I feel now in a long time...a delicious, slightly sick feeling in the pit of my stomach--a natural response to such a natural confluence of both inner and outer beauty. And the feeling is also suffering, that I might never let her know how much I am moved by her goodness. I am glad someone is making me feel this way, but of course I'm sad at the same time.

"Passion" is a marvelous word, because it grounds in etymology that love and suffering are but two sides of the same coin.

Going to sleep now, to dream...

setback

No interview w/ Fed. Disappointed...

The world is so huge, and each of us is alone

Melancholy. Thinking about all the friends I have who are having personal problems... depression and worse. My friend N feels as if she's wasted the last 10 years of her life. My friend E is harboring dark thoughts in what I know is desperate isolation. I myself despair of ever finding true love. And on, and on... It makes me realize that in the end we are all on our own, and that happiness--if there is such a thing--must needs be something we attain with neither the help nor hindrance of others.

I'm grateful that I don't feel the terror of life that I used to know daily, but sometimes I wonder whether I have been benumbed, and this peace is merely a transient slumber from which I will awake screaming years hence. I don't know.

Another hopeless early morning dream, before the grey of day leaks from behind my drawn shades...

Yanks clinch!!!

Figures, I get stuck doing work on the day the Yankee bats crush the Sox, and Big Unit finishes 5-0 against them. Wish I could've watched the game...oh well.